Poseidon Sinks

It’s amazing that a movie centered around the Deep Blue Sea could be so…well, shallow. The remake of the 1979 films leaves out much of what made the original work, instead focusing more on random action sequences and far less on character development.

In fact, most of the characters have been toyed with to the extent that they are no longer recognizable and what we know about them is so trivial they’re just stick figures to us; empty shirts and skirts waiting for a bulk head to smash into them or a roaring fire to engulf them.

I don’t know that I have ever seen character development so clumsy and heavy handed. The movie treats it like a nuisance and tries to get it all out the way quickly and be done with it. I can almost hear the writer saying:

“I need people to dislike Lucky Larry (Kevin Dillon), I guess I’ll have him say something obnoxious. There, done with that.”

Dylan Johns and Maggie James, played by Josh Lucas and Jacinda Barrett, needed to be a love interest. So we see them meet, exchange painfully trite pickup lines, gaze at each other once or twice, and that’s it. That’s the extent of the bonding we see yet they act as though a true and time tested love has taken hold and we somehow missed it. They are literally flirting one minute and a loving couple the next, with no in-between. It’s absurd.

Kurt Russell plays Robert Ramsey. What do we know about him? Well, it’s mentioned he used to be a fireman and the Mayor of NYC. Writer Marc Protesevich proves that he loves his daughter and is a tad over protective by showing us Ramsey asking his daughter Jennifer (Emmily Rossum) to button the top button on her shirt. There, done with that! Now we all know exactly who this guy is and can get on with the business of people falling and burning.

Richard Dreyfuss, playing the obligatory, found-in-every-movie gay character, even though such a character did not exist in the original, suffers a breakup with his significant other and turns suicidal. How do we know this? We see him start to climb over a railing and prepare to leap into the water. There. Done with that character! That’s enough, don’t need to know anymore about him. Or why he changed his mind and spent the rest of the movie in a valiant struggle to survive. Oh well, throw a fat lady into a chandelier, that’s what people came to see!

So flawed is this entire film that not only are the characters paper thin, they’re just unbelievable. Josh Lucas is a gambler and spends a lot of time on cruise ships. Somehow, that makes him able to read complex maps and charts about the boat, understand how pressure hatches in bulk heads work and know exactly where there are people size openings near the propeller shafts. He never gets lost, knows all the stairwells and hatches and all the inner-working of every button and console. The Captain, on the other hand, seemed to believe that the windows in a giant ballroom would stand up to the pressures of being underwater and was shocked when they broke. I guess he should have asked the poker player if his assumption was accurate. The Captain seemed to be involved in some sort of implied relationship with the nightclub singer (from the Black Eyed Peas), but to what extent and for how long, we don’t know. And by that point don’t even care.

The premise of the movie is simple enough. A giant “rogue” wave hits the boat and turns it upside down, leaving the survivors 2 options: Follow the former mayor and the poker player on a journey to the bottom of the boat in search of escape or, stay with the Captain in the ballroom and wait for death.

So Ramsey, his daughter Jennifer and her fiancé, Dylan Johns the card shark, the state mandated gay character who serves no real purpose and a random busboy whose only backstory is that he smuggled some girl aboard for some vague reason involving a dying brother in a hospital, all head towards the bottom of the ship.

Oddly, the suicidal gay character played by Dreyfuss is immediately put in a situation where he must choose to live by sacrificing another and doesn’t hesitate for a second to kick the unnamed busboy down an elevator shaft. No tears are shed and it’s never mentioned again. But later, some character we barely know and don’t really care about comes to a bad end and they all stand around crying hysterically like they’ve known her all their lives. The thousands of deaths all around them, the throwing of a Mexican busboy down an elevator shaft, that was nothing. They were unfazed. But the death of some random person they barely know? Well, that just tears them to pieces.

I wanted to like this movie, I really did. But they changed everything about it and the result is just awful. Do you know what made the first movie work, dumb Hollywood executive? The characters.

Belle and Manny Rossen, played by Shelly Winters and Jack Albertson, had a story to tell and we cared about it. They were an older couple, still madly in love, imagining one without the other was painful. They had been through so much together; had even survived the Holocaust together. You really had to pull for either both of them to make it or neither one, so close were they.

Did the remake offer us this kind of compelling character? Oh no, we have to have the politically correct bullshit characters. A happily married and devoted couple?

No way.
They have to be turned into a single mother and some card shark that picked her up in the bar. There’s the real story for the year 2006. Single mothers and gays must have a place because no one wants to hear about devoted people that have been together for 40 years. How quaint a notion.

In the original Gene Hackman was a caring but tough priest that helped people survive and have faith. He’s history, no one likes priests anymore.

Replace him with…let’s see…hmmm….A whiny, suicidal gay guy! That’s far more compelling than a priest suffering a crisis of faith, finding his inner strength and the leader within.

This movie can’t stand on special effects alone because we’ve seen all this before, especially the sinking ship visuals which were simply straight from Titanic. It can’t stand on action alone because the action isn’t all that great.

It can’t stand on strong characters because they took great pains to remove all the characters from the original and replace them with empty, vacuous symbols of political correctness.

Know what that leaves you with? Nothing. This movie has nothing going for it, zero, nadda, nothing.

Take a lifeboat from the theater, shoot a flair and await rescue, pray for a bulkhead to the face, but don’t sit all the way through this thing. It gets my early vote for worst movie of the year and it’s hands down the most poorly written I have seen in some time.

For the record, Mark Protosevich, you should be ashamed at what you did here. It’s atrocious work and as far as I am concerned it should be the last piece of crap you’re allowed to make.

This Career Will Self Destruct in 3 Films....

So it would appear that belonging to a cult and acting like a deranged escapee from the mental ward can impact your ability to fill theater seats. In some ways, I suppose, it’s nice to know that people still have some standards. In another sense it’s nostalgically sad to see the guy I remember singing “Old Time Rock ‘N Roll" in his underwear flaming out in such tragic fashion. One gets the sense that Tom Cruise is entering the final phase of what will be an embarrassing and dramatic downfall. Gone is the fun and spunky young guy from Risky Business and here to stay is the brain washed, cult loving lunatic that is at times pompous and at others simply maniacal.

Mission: Impossible 3 has so far performed far below industry expectations and is showing no signs of being the blockbuster it’s $150 million dollar budget would demand it be. Opening weekend numbers, originally estimated over $48 million, were revised downward on Monday to $47 million in actual sales. Monday’s performance at the box office was an alarming $3.5 million, down a whopping 72 percent from it’s opening numbers. That’s a drop of near historic proportions. In comparison, Spiderman 2 dropped only 57% from its opening weekend to its first Monday and Batman Begins dropped only 26%. To truly be a success Mission: Impossible 3 would have had to outperform both.

What’s truly unfortunate is that tied to Cruise’s antics at the worst moments of their careers are Phillip Seymour Hoffman, fresh from an Academy Award, and writer of the hit show Lost, J. J. Abrams. Abrams is also responsible for a little known film with a cultish following called Joy Ride, created the show Felicity and wrote the screenplay for Armageddon and Regarding Henry.

Now, the movie really isn’t that bad. Legendary and large film critic Roger Ebert said it had a “been there done that” feel to it, and he’s right. However, with really no alternatives in the box office the film is a fun ride. Hoffman’s performance, in my opinion, has been a little over-hyped, he’s not really given that many chances to shine as he’s off screen as much as on it, but he’s still excellent. Cruise is good but he is certainly lacking something.

Quick, who’s Ethan Hunt? Right.

What Cruise has failed to do is transform this character into one we really clamor to see more of. Everyone wanted to see where Harrison Ford could take Indiana Jones, what Sean Connery would make out of James Bond, so they continued on to be great franchises. In fact, just about every actor that has played James Bond has turned him into something interesting and curious. Cruise has not had that kind of relationship with his character; instead we go to see stunts, shootouts, car chases, CGI, but not the character. Even action movies, dependent as they are on explosions, must center around compelling characters to survive into 2 or 3 movies. To be fair the writers share the blame, but Cruise hasn’t given Hunt that special spark that begs for more development. Mission Impossible would be just as interesting if the next film featured a different character and a different actor—they’re completely replaceable and that’s the death knell for any action franchise.

The only new element in this installment is the question of whether Hunt can be married, lead a normal life and have a wife forever in the dark as to his real persona. The problem: That’s nothing new, James Bond addressed that issue many, many times and countless action and cop flicks have used that weak premise as a springboard for getting the character “back in action” one more time. And of course, the new bride to be is put in great peril by the characters choice of careers. That’s a given. And boring. It’s the kind of movie Mr. And Mrs. Smith was created to make fun of.

The appeal to the film is really an adolescent one. It’s the Cody Banks factor that Mr. and Mrs. Smith exaggerated and satirized. It’s the teenager in all of us that wants to be something spectacular that draws men to this kind of premise. Maybe it’s a guy thing but we can relate to a Cody Banks who lives an exciting double life and Oh! Won’t his classmates be impressed when they find out who he really is. It’s the guy in all of us that wants to turn to a beautiful woman like Keri Russel and say “I don’t really count traffic patterns or balance spreadsheets all day. I carry a gun, blow up buildings and play round in international espionage.” It’s trying to imagine being, like Brad Pitt in Mr. And Mrs. Smith, or Frankie Munoz in Cody Banks, so cool and confident that you could actually not boast about being a super agent and could be content letting people think you’re mundane when you aren’t.

You might not admit this guys, but this movie is for all of you that day dream on the way to work in the morning when the latest and greatest rock band is on the radio, you transform yourselves into the drummer or lead singer and see the crowd roaring before you and the pyrotechnics booming behind you. And then you pull into the parking garage and go about the business of counting paper clips all day. Remember when you were young and you closed your eyes and saw yourself throwing that last second touchdown in the Super Bowl? You were Joe Montana for a minute there. This movie is aimed at you, so you can fantasize about turning to your girlfriend and telling her you’re not an average joe, you’re dangerous and exciting.

It’s a primal adolescent appeal—unfortunately this film doesn’t do anything different with that. It recycles the same cliché and leaves it so it’s more an excuse to get Tom Cruise to leap from a building than it is an integral part of the plot. The Cody Banks factor can only go so far.

If you want some cool stunts and some mindless action, take this ride, it’s still fun. If you were hoping that the biggest new gadget wouldn’t be yet another latex mask and you still want to daydream yourself into a secret agent, and there’s nothing wrong with that, find something else. The next few weeks will give you plenty of alternatives and by summers end Mission: Impossible 3 will be that big disappointment that no one remembers.

It Waits Coming To DVD--See The Official Press Release

Production photo from It Waits, courtesy of Anchor Bay Entertainment.

March 13, 2006

“It Lurks, It Prowls…”

IDT Entertainment's

Anchor Bay Entertainment Unleashes

“It Waits”

On DVD May 23

TROY , MI – Anchor Bay Entertainment, an IDT Entertainment Company, presents the terrifying story of a dark legend come to life seeking vengeance on mankind. From acclaimed writer/producer Stephen J. Cannell (“A Team”, “Hunter”, “Profit”, “ 21 Jump Street ”) comes… It Waits! Premiering on DVD May 23 rd , 2006 , consumers won't have to wait any longer to thrill at the extensive bonus features including behind-the-scenes footage and interviews of the cast and writers, in addition to a feature-length audio commentary. SRP is $19.98 and pre-book date is April 12.

Written by Cannell, Thomas E. Szollosi (“Mythquest”) and Richard Chris tian Matheson ( Masters of Horror ) and directed by Steven R. Monroe ( House of 9 ), It Waits focuses on a tale taken from Native American folklore of a lost Human Being whose vicious resentments fueled an anger so fierce that its soul was banished from the world of the living. What happens when this malevolent spirit returns – can anyone stop its relentless and destructive powers?

After her best friend is killed in an auto accident in which she was the driver, Forest Ranger Danielle St. Clair (Cerina Vincent – “CSI”, Not Another Teen Movie ) moves into a secluded watchtower in the mountains to bury herself in her work, unaware that something else is buried in the forest. A spirit of the underworld – a victim of its own evil bitterness long entombed in a cave. For a chance to escape and exact its bloody revenge, it waits…

And when accidentally released, the peaceful forest becomes a killing ground. Only Danielle and her fiancé Justin (Dominic Zamprogna, “Battlestar Galactica”) are left to stand up against this ancient nightmare.

Value-added supplements on the It Waits DVD include:

Widescreen Presentation (1.77:1), enhanced for 16x9 TVs

Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound
“Blood On The Pines” Behind-The-Scenes Featurette
Feature-length audio commentary with director Steven R. Monroe and star Cerina Vincent
Trailers
Stephen J. Cannell Productions, Inc. owns the worldwide distribution rights to more than 1,000 hours of Cannell produced series and TV movies. DVD releases from the company's broadcast hits include “Hunter Season One & Two,” “The Greatest American Hero Seasons One, Two & Three,” “The Commish Season Three” and “Silk Stalkings Season Four.” For more information on Stephen J. Cannell, visit www.cannell.com .

Anchor Bay Entertainment is a recognized name in home entertainment. The company offers an expansive selection of award-winning, notable theatrical films including “Time Bandits” and “Halloween,” classic television programming such as “Roseanne,” “3 rd Rock from the Sun,” “Three's Company,” “Highlander” and much of the Stephen J. Cannell library, traditional children's fare featuring the ever-popular Thomas & Friends collection and Mister Rogers Neighborhood, the impressive Manga anime line and chart-topping fitness titles including the "Crunch" and "For Dummies" series. Anchor Bay Entertainment is aggressively developing a wide range of original programs and concepts in addition to licensing existing brands and films.

Anchor Bay Entertainment is a subsidiary of IDT Entertainment. IDT Entertainment is a vertically integrated entertainment company that develops, produces, and distributes proprietary and licensed entertainment content.

###

Jack Black

Jack Black, alternating between hysterical and just not funny, is a classic case of a man that should pick his movies with a little more care. Try as I might, I just can't bring myself to look forward to Nacho Libre. Sorry, it just looks dumb. It reminds me of Adam Sandlers younger years where his movies struck me as unscripted chances for him to act like a dolt for 2 hours. However, when put into a movie that offered him some guidance and reigned him in, Sandler's genuinely funny.

Same with Black. I think he could be very funny and, if King Kong is a good example, perhaps even play a decent, well developed character that isn't all goofy antics.

I see that after Libre Black has been filming something called "Tenacious D: In The Pick Of Destiny."

The plot? 2 idiots form a band called Tenacious D and want to make the best band ever. How will they accomplish this? By subjecting us to a road trip in search of a magical guitar pick located in a rock museum 300 miles away. Why he signed on for this I have no idea. A little more discrimination and a little less School of Rock could really help him. Think Orange County!

Although I did spot a rumor on the awesome Aint It Cool News site that said Black was in talks to star in a move that sounds terrific. In the film Black's best friend would own a video store whose only customer was a senile old lady. Somehow Black's head becomes magnatized and he destroys all the movies in the store. So, he and his pal set out to remake the classic movies and hope that the old lady wont notice. Among the movies we get to see them remake will be, supposedly, Back to the Future and Jaws. This could be awesome, I can't wait to read more about it.

In my view Jack Black is at a critical stage in his career. A few horrible flops and he'll vanish. A few well chosen comedies that appeal to the over 12 set and I think he could just sky rocket. I think he has potential so lets hope Nacho Libre isn't the end of the line for him.

Hillary Clinton Campaign Bumper Sticker

Go here to buy it!

More Failed Energy Policies

If we needed more proof that the average voter is a complete moron a poll released by Fox News today confirmed the theory: The average citizen is prone to being swayed by rhetoric and blindingly dumb.

The poll stated:

Most people agree our economy is strong and getting stronger
Most people agree high gas prices are their number one concern
By a two-to-one margin those polled trust the Democrats more to deal with the problem.

Pardon me? The Democrats are the problem. What did the Democrats do today? They blocked a bill that would have eased restrictions and made building a refinery easier, thereby enticing more companies to get into the refining business. Great job, no wonder people trust the liberals. After all, they’re only behind most of the failed energy policies from the last 20 years that got us here.

Justifying the ridiculous decision Rep. Rick Boucer, D-Va., said "The real reason we have a refinery shortage is the companies that own refineries are profiting enormously from the ... refinery bottlenecks," said Boucher.

Really, Mr. Boucher. It isn’t because ¼ of the cost of building a new refinery is dedicated to filling out forms generated by the government? Of course not. What bill did he vote for? A bill authorizing fines of up to 150 million dollars for any company caught price gouging.

Of course, since it’s nearly unanimous among economic experts that no gouging is occurring, it’s totally useless. But it sounds great doesn’t it? Build more refineries, no way, say the Democrats. Posture and puff over non-existent price gouging and call for fines that will never be levied, that’s the way to fix the high gas prices!

Still no word on why the oil companies are making 8 to 12 cents a gallon on gasoline while the government is making 20 cents per gallon. What a surprise. Does 8 cents a gallon sound like gouging?

I might also wish to know where all that oil is that we we’re going to steal from Iraq. As the liberals have so often proclaimed, this war was not about removing a murderous madman from power, it was about stealing the oil. So, where is it? Why are prices hitting record highs with all this stolen oil being brought in from Baghdad? It couldn’t be the liberals were lying could it? Unheard of.

Just ask Rick Boucher whose party created a shortage of refineries that he now blames the refining companies for. I’m certain that all refining companies enjoyed the cost prohibitive, time consuming and paranoid environmental regulations that make it impossible for them to open more plants.

Just think of the logic here. The Democrats make it impossible to open a refinery and then blame the refining companies for a shortage of plants. It’s brilliant!

And the average idiot insists these lying windbags are the answer to our problems. They also said:

Bush’s tax cuts would cripple the economy that is now chugging along
Bush would steal oil from Iran, paid for in blood--now there’s an energy crisis
Allowing Iraq to ignore UN sanctions would not harm long term foreign policy. The result: Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad last week said “..they will pass some useless and meaningless resolutions,” when responding to sanctions proposed by the US and Britian as a result of Iran’s defiance on nuclear policy.

They’re wrong so often it’s amazing.

Explaining The List

Some of you have asked what that entry titled "The List" was. I guess it seemed a little out of place.

While I am not a writer, nor do I pretend to be, from time to time a concept or character gets in my head and pesters me until I do something with it. For whatever reason this little man with such a bleak world view and the belief that his only purpose was to fill the parlor at his own funeral just wouldn't go away until I wrote him down.

Most often, I keep those little nuggets to myself. However, I couldn't think of a way to use him in a longer story that would please me, he seemed too interesting to make him into a secondary character and finally, after weeks of wondering what do with it, I just him let him speak.

I'm not claiming that it's good, it just is what it is. It might happen again, who knows; it's a pretty rare occurence for me but not unheard of. I have plenty of little half-finished stories and character ideas laying around. None of them will see the light of day. For that, I guess this smarmy little fellow should be grateful, he has made it out of my laptop where so many of his brethren languish, waiting for the moment I hit the delete button and banish them for all time.

I also must mention that somehow, don't ask me how, I inadvertantly used the names of my in-laws in that piece. Some might say that was subliminal, I say it was coincidence! If you ever looked at the other things I have written over the years you'd find that the names Cheryl and John are just the ones that always come to me for some reason. Like place holders until I find more creative names. Also commonly found in my little stories: Michelle, Tony, Rebecca, Frank, Louis and Roger. Just plain old, right on the tip of my tongue names. I generally replace them with something more unique or catchy at a later date.

But, now that I think about it, there is a Stephen King story lurking in here somewhere. A man uses the same names over and over for years in his writing, replacing the names with something fresher before the world sees them. And then, he meets a girl whose parents are named the same as his characters. Hmmm. King used to dabble the theory of writings having alternate egos, of their work meshing somehow with their real life. He once had his alter-ego/pen name come to life and fight with the "real" author over who belonged here. There must be a King story in this, someone get this to Mr. King ASAP. I would love to see where he could take it.

Denzel Washington's Son Officially in NFL

John David Washington, son of Denzel Washington, signed a free agent contract with the St. Louis Rams a day after the draft came and went while Washingtons phone was silent.

Still, this is a far better ending than any of the players in his fathers movie Remember the Titans got.

Washington will have his work cut out for him. Likely he will be training camp fodder and the veterans and more "important" players will beat on him for a few months. If he survives that he could hope to catch on as a special teams player and from there, while it rarely happens, he could work his way onto the regular roster. The Rams love running backs, if Washington gets a chance you never know.

Love Hewitt and The Bears--What Could Be Better?

I love the Chicago Bears. I love movies. Also, while nowhere near as charming and pretty and nice as my fiance and her mother, both of whom read this post, Jennifer Love Hewitt is considered by some..ahem..to be attractive.

So imagine my surprise to find a picture of this talented actress sprawled out on the big orange "C" in the middle of Soldiers Field! Could there be a better combination than Love Hewitt and the Bears? A better picture? Nope. This, ladies and gentleman, is art.

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Geisha is a beautiful movie featuring some of the best cinematography to come along in quite some time. Only a skilled director can properly complement the scenery and not overwhelm or underutilize it; Rob Marshall, fresh from his success with Chicago, is the perfect fit. The characters find themselves in scenes looking just like a brilliant, once-in-a-lifetime moment was just captured by happenstance. There’s an ease to it all that lends to the beauty of this film. It’s a movie with grace and dignity.


Ziyi Zhang plays Sayuri, a young woman that has been sold by her ailing and poverty stricken parents into the world of the Geisha and separated from the only family she has left, her sister Nobu. Sayuri is distracted and frightened and unable to put everything aside long enough to fit into this new world and soon finds herself relegated to a servant, not allowed to continue her Geisha training.

A word of caution: Some of this talented cast speaks English that is less than polished. If you don’t pay attention there will be dialogue from Zhang and others that seems unintelligible.

But then, in a “kindness of strangers” sort of moment, along comes Ken Watanabe playing the Chairman. He shows young Sayuri kindness and sympathy and makes her understand that the world isn’t only a cruel place. Sayuri has an epiphany and realizes that playing along in the cold, often cruel world of the Geisha can be a means to an end; being successful in the role of the Geisha can mean entry into another world—a world of rich men and fancy parties, a place where she can be at someone’s side rather than under their thumb.

The movie gives a look at a fascinating culture where kindness and honor seem to reside harmoniously with cruelty and greed. Young, pretty Geisha sabotage and ridicule new comers to the world, old women purchase young girls like a commodity and make them work of this “debt” until they’re profitable—Geisha quickly learn that love, marriage and family are forbidden in this new world of theirs. And yet, there’s the Chairman and his unwavering kindness, a tutor in the Geisha house that takes Sayuri under her wing, pities her and takes a real joy in her successes.

Watching the films characters move from one heartbreaking situation to another kept me wondering when they would just break, give up—give themselves over to cruel actions and a world view that no longer allowed for compassion. When would they begin to feel like the world had tossed them into the trash and give up their dreams of freedom and happiness. It’s the best kind of story about the human spirit because it’s believable—there’s nothing superhuman in Sayuri’s endurance of the world, just remarkable.

Ken Watanabe, most recently from Batman Begins, The Last Samurai and the upcoming Clint Eastwood epic Flags Of Our Fathers, is fantastic as the Chairman; Ziyi Zhang and Watanabe turn in absolutely stellar performances here. Zhang shows us an innocent, wide-eyed character that, unlike the stereotype, never completely has it beaten out of her. The way Zhang plays it, the innocence and keeping a positive outlook in her fellow man becomes hard, it has to be forced, but she fights to hang onto it to whatever extent she can. She wants to think the best of people, she wants to think that fate will deliver her where she deserves to be, she wants to retain a little naiveté…and she does, though it no longer comes naturally.

It’s hard to say enough about the cinematography featured in this movie. It was absolutely gorgeous and yet so subtle that it never took over the shot. Simply amazing. There’s a moment where Zhang is standing, in full Geisha dress, under a blossoming plum tree and she looks so perfect there. It would be so easy for that scene to look staged an unnatural; instead it looks like Zhang has briefly recaptured her youth and innocence and nature itself is in agreement with her, showering her with tender pink flowers while the man she secretly loves looks on. It’s a great moment in it’s subtlety and in those 30 seconds the scene, and Zhangs wonderful acting, manage to convey so much character information it’s astounding.

It is now obvious to me that this film, Cinderella Man and Walk The Line were all better, far better, than Crash, the eventual Oscar Winner.

The Academy is now as irrelevant and impotent as the UN. No movie lover can see all of these films and come to any conclusion other than: Political Correctness won the day and three brilliant movies were ripped off.

Memoirs of a Geisha was one of the best films I saw last year, clearly a top five entry. If you haven’t seen it, please do.