Gym Etiquette

For some inexplicable reason people at the gym, young and old, just can’t seem to figure out common courtesy. Or common sense. It’s astounding how aggravating these transgressions can be; to all you gym goers out there who aren’t behaving, this list is for you. Now knock it off.

1. If you weigh in the neighborhood of 300 pounds there’s something you should know: Lifting 10 pounds 3 times and then sitting on the machine as though it were a recliner for 10 minutes isn’t doing you any good. There are people waiting for it, get up. If you’re stuck in there, call for assistance.



2. To all of you cantankerous 90 year olds out there, here’s a little tip that might prevent you from inadvertently annoying the Hell out of someone: If there’s a person running on the machine that you signed up for at your specified time, and if there’s 10 other empty machines just like it, kindly refrain from tapping on the front of the machine and pointing your gnarled fingers at the clock. He or she is aware of the tie and likely figured that you would just climb onto the machine next to them. Why in the world would you make someone stop their running, go to the board and sign up for the next machine, and then resume their workout when all you had to do was climb onto the next machine over?



3. Speaking of 90 year olds—get dressed. I don’t understand what your obsession is with strolling around the locker room naked but please knock it off. Take your shower, towel off, put some clothes on and then do whatever else it is you need to do. I saw a guy tonight take his shower, come to the locker and clean it out, neatly fold up his gym clothes, pack his gym bag, stroll to the mirror and comb his hair, get on the scale and weigh himself and perform various other tasks, all before putting some pants on. Why? Why? Get dressed! At your age, with the way things are sagging, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself when someone steps on something that should be neatly tucked away.



4. Speaking of strolling around naked, could those of you who must pretend this is some sort of convalescent nudist colony kindly refrain from sticking your bare ass in peoples faces? Is that so much to ask? If your waddling around naked for some reason and feel the need to get something from the bottom of your locker, or just bend over for any reason, and there’s a guy sitting on the bench tying his shoes, should you:
   
   A. Move to the aisle and do whatever it is that requires you to bend over?
   B. Go to the bathroom stall and do it?
   C. Put some freakin pants on and then bend over
   D. Just bend right over and stick your naked ass in the guys face?
   
   If you answered D: It’s going to be well worth the price of this Ipod when I finally snap and jam it in the next hole you stick in my face. Cover up.



5. Some steam room rules for the terminally stupid: If the room is already 1,000 degrees and full of steam, stop dumping cold water on the thermostat, you moron. You’re the reason the thing breaks and we can’t use it for a week and we don’t all need to see some sort of heat induced Indian Vision. At the very least ask if we would all like some more steam. Also, if the room is full and you’re massive, don’t wedge yourself into the doorway like some enormous rubber stopper. Come back later.



6. When you see a person lifting on a machine and you would like to use it, go do something else until they’re finished. Is it really necessary to stand there with your arms folded staring at them? Or to pretend to watch the goings-on near them, casting the occasional furtive glance their way? There’s a lot of machines in there, this surely can’t be the only one your going to use, so just find another one. Also, if a person stops for a second to catch a breath please refrain from rushing over and asking “Are you done?” in a sarcastic tone. I’m not done and now I will take my sweet time until you stop pestering me, you impatient ass.



7. Take your towel to the shower with you and then, I know this is a tough one, use it. Why in the world would you take you towel into the shower and then just carry it back to the locker area to dry off? You do realize that someone is going to step in that lake that just ran over your belly and onto the floor don’t you? Just because you can’t see your feet doesn’t mean they aren’t there, same goes for the huge puddle you left behind. It’s there, trust me. And some poor shmuck is going to put his socks on in preparation for a run, put his foot on the floor to grab his sneakers, and wind up with a soaking wet pair of socks. All because you didn’t have the common sense to towel off over the FLOOR DRAIN you were just standing on. Again, you might not be able to see the drain, but it is there and it does it’s job.